I realized that identifying the problem is only half the battle. The next step is to get to the root of it and figure out how to solve it.
When you stop the caring for her then you are free to really be in the relationship. You can see the other person for who he is and you can give yourself to him freely – no strategy, no game-playing, no manipulation. You won’t feel a need to control anything. You can just be and there is no greater feeling than that.
But how do we do it? How do we stop our minds from spinning into overdrive, sending out waves of unpleasant thoughts and alarm bells?
1. Realize stressing get you nowhere
First, you need to realize that getting all wound up over the state of your relationship serves no purpose, ever. It causes problems within the relationship, and more importantly, it takes a huge toll on your sense of self and self-esteem. When you care too much, you inevitably become attached to a certain outcome. You invest mental energy in making sure things go a certain way. And if they don’t, then you suffer on many levels.
2. See a relationship for what it is
Let’s talk about what a relationship is and isn’t. We’ll start with what it isn’t. A relationship isn’t a measure of your worth or worthiness in this world. It is not there to serve you and give you things like happiness and self-esteem. It is not there to make you feel good about life and about yourself. This isn’t to say a relationship can’t do these things, it’s just that these aren’t the elements upon which a healthy relationship is built. A relationship also isn’t some sort of milestone, a sign that you have “made it,” that you will be OK, that you are now a member of some elite club. It isn’t something you work to acquire. It is not a goal to achieve.
3. Set a freak-out deadline
A lot of us make the mistake of prematurely freaking out over something that really turns out to be absolutely nothing. For example, let’s say you start seeing a new guy and things are going great. You talk regularly, go on fun dates, it seems to be going really well. But then you don’t hear from him for a day or two and immediately hit the panic button.
And then the devastation starts to creep in…followed by the doubts. What did I do wrong? Was it something I said? Something I did? Why do the guys I like always leave me? You feel a sense of dread deep in your gut and you know, you just know, that he’s never coming back.
4. Be present
The biggest problem with stressing over your relationship is it takes you out of the relationship and brings you to a much more disturbing place. When you get stressed and anxious, you’re no longer interacting with the person sitting in front of you, you’re interacting with the thoughts in your mind. You fixate on an imagined future and worry about how and if you’ll get there with him. Stop doing this!
Instead, just be present. Be right here, right now. When you go on a date with a guy, whether it’s the first or the fiftieth, all you should be thinking about is enjoying your time with him and building a connection. If you’re in the early stages of dating, the only thing to decide is whether you want to go on another date with this person (and save that consideration for after the date). Don’t size him up and look for signs that he’s the one and this is it. Don’t scan him to determine how he feels and if he likes you. Just enjoy it for what it is and let the process unfold organically. No stress!
5. Stop attaching to what things mean
As women, we have all been programmed to see having a relationship as some sign that we’ve made it, that we’re worthy. Being single is seen as something to be pitied, and being in a relationship is something to covet. As a result, a lot of us measure our worth by our relationship status. If a guy leaves, that means you’re unworthy, you weren’t good enough to have this thing that you’ve been told you need in order to be enough. It’s hard to undo years of faulty programming that’s been so firmly ingrained into our DNA, but it isn’t impossible.
Remember, only you can determine your own worth. It won’t come in a bottle or from a man or by splurging on the latest trends. You set the standard for how valuable you are. You do this by living a rich, fulfilling life filled with things you love. You do things that make you happy, you work on improving yourself, you develop your talents, you take care of yourself, you do things that tap into your essence and allow you to express your true self. This is how self-esteem is built. If you wrap up your identity in what men think of you, or what your relationship status is, you will never ever feel satisfied.
6. Stop wanting
Wanting a relationship to be something other than what it is never pans out well. Instead, practice accepting the situation for what it is and enjoying it. The fact is, the people who are most successful with relationships are people who have fun with relationships. It doesn’t feel like work; it’s not a struggle.
Wanting in general causes problems. When you want, you immediately focus on a lack, you feel a void within yourself and you think a relationship will fill it. It won’t.
I’m not saying it’s bad to want a relationship or get married; most of us want these things. But you have to take the focus off the wanting (which turns into needing) and put it on the experiencing. Focus on enjoying each moment of your life instead of questioning where it will lead.
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